I was fast asleep at 3:34am this morning when I turned 32 years young. When I woke up, I was grateful for another day and another year. Jimmy had gone to get us coffee and I was cuddling with the dog in bed. I could see the bright blue skies and the sunlight through the window in the room. Besides the gusty cold wind that was blowing everything around, I could tell it was going to be a beautiful day at the Jersey Shore.
We traveled to Wildwood Crest, NJ last night and will be spending a few days here at my mom and stepdad's shore house. I always enjoy being in this town during the off season and especially around my birthday. It is always decorated for the holidays and is very festive, but is quiet and peaceful. This year is no different, though, I still haven't caught the holiday spirit bug and I'm not sure if I will. I appreciate the festiveness, the lights, decorations and other people's holiday cheer. Though this year, I think I just want to be a spectator. I don't really want to participate. Then I take a step back from those thoughts and think, I can't live my life like that. It is about living in the moment, being present, enjoying it all and being grateful for it all. I still enjoy life and want to continue enjoying life. For the most part, I can say I do but when my moments creep in, they take over. A friend who has suffered a great loss herself wrote me an email a few days ago after reading my blog. She stressed how important it is to feel those feelings when they creep in. She wrote about how it is also important to not judge your thoughts and feelings as they come up. Let them come, feel them and then let them go - all in the time frame that feels right. When I think about it, I know she's right.
I had an emotional night leading up to my birthday last night and wasn't sure what to expect when I actually woke up for the day. All day I was wondering when and if a moment would arise. It is my birthday afterall. It is the first birthday I'm experiencing since my Dad died a month and a half ago. I can't help but be sad that part of the reason that I am here on this earth isn't here on this earth with me anymore. I think about how I'll never be able to have my Dad wish me a Happy Birthday again and that makes me sad, too. But as Dad would say, it is what it is.
So, during some greeting card reading this afternoon my moment came. Jimmy's card to me was very sweet, like they all are, but just a few things he said made me tear up. Before I knew it, the faucets were in full force....out of nowhere, for many reasons. It was necessary. I needed to feel those tears at that moment and then let them pass....and they did. Hey, its my birthday, I can cry if I want to, right?
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