The festival ended on Sunday night and during the beginning of our travels back on Monday morning, I got the life changing call from my sister that things weren't looking good with Dad. We still had the commute of flying home to get through and looking back, it will stand as the worst commute home of my life. During that 5 hour flight from California to New Jersey, I knew my Dad was only being kept alive by machines. I knew that he wouldn't survive my flight home.
I listened to my iPod the entire time and cried, hoping that I would eventually run out of tears which didn't happen. At one point, a new Phish song titled "Light" came on. I looked out the window and saw a beautiful sunset across the horizon and knew right then, that I had lost my father.
I knew right then that my Dad died, that he was dead.
Part of Light's lyrics read:
I can see the light between me and my mind
I can feel memories fall behind
And the light is growing brighter now
And the light is growing brighter now
I see the future is less and less there
And the past has vanished in the air
And I'm left in the now with a wondrous glow
I think I'm still me
But how would you know?
They were so fitting to me at the time. Now, when I hear that song I'm brought back to that moment in the plane when I knew my father died.
I spent the one month anniversary of his death at a Phish concert last night. They are playing Madison Square Garden for three nights and we were lucky enough to get tickets for each night. We returned home from Europe on Tuesday in time to get enough sleep to go right into three nights of Phish. Before last night's show, I just wasn't feeling it. I wanted to stay on my couch and wallow in my own self pity. If I learned anything from a month's worth of going and doing, its that going and doing is good for you.....even when you don't feel up to it. We headed into the city to meet up with friends who were gathering pre-show at a bar near the venue. The bar was hot and crowded. I found myself totally overwhelmed. I wanted to leave but knew I was in the right place. I just needed to give up my struggle with that moment to the Universe and my friends would take over from there. They all did and probably didn't even know it at the time. As I sat through my 73rd Phish show, I enjoyed the music but had a hard time getting out of my own head for most of the show. I can't say I totally enjoyed the show. Even though it was a great one, my head was just too strong of a force.
At 9:55pm last night, the whole month and the happenings of November came full circle to me when Phish played "Light". I choked back tears during the opening notes and allowed the song to take me where it needed. It was probably the best Light I've heard live which made it even more special. One month ago during this song, my dad died. One month later, to the minute, the same song was being played. I took it as a sign. Synchronicity has been all around me since he died and last night's song placement of Light was just another example.
The month of November was a complete whirlwind between dealing with my Dad's death and an insane amount of travel we had, too. We came home from California from the festival and headed to Maryland for 4 days for the first service. Then, we came back NJ to regroup to then head down to Florida for a 2nd service. It was back to NJ to regroup which was followed by a trip to Chicago with my mom to fulfill our life dream of seeing the Oprah show together. Then it was time to come back to NJ to regroup to head out for our big trip of the year - a 12 day trip to Spain and Holland. I think we were only home for 5 nights during the month of November. Being on the move constantly is helpful when it comes to grieving, I think. You don't really get a chance to stop and think and while I'm not sure if that is good or bad, I think its been instrumental in how I've dealt with things so far. I definitely have my moments and foresee them being around for quite sometime. I just wish they didn't come at the most inopportune times.
I am getting used to my new reality though I still think there is a lot of processing that needs to happen. I think the hardest part of this all is seeing how life continues to go on. In the grocery store, no one knows my dad just died. They go on picking out their fruits and vegetables and I go on wondering how life will go on from here. The thoughts of how I'll never hear my Dad's voice again, or smell Halston cologne on him, or hear his laugh after he tells one of his ridiculous jokes, or how he'll never remind me to change the air filters in our HVAC system or any of those little things that you just take for granted....I'll never get to experience them again. I try not to let my mind wander there too often because its too hard to think about those moments. Funny enough, I hear my Dad's voice in my head a lot. He'll say silly things to me. I guess it is comforting knowing he is still 'here'. His spirit is definitely with me and watching over me, but its going to take some getting used to how things have to be now.
I also try not to let my mind wonder to the 'what if's" and unfortunately there are many what ifs. I loved my father and he knew it, yet sometimes he had a difficult way of showing his love. He battled his life's demons up until the very end and while my father led a very difficult life, it helped to paint the picture of the man he was.
In March of this year, I traveled to Sedona, AZ and had a spiritual awakening. I had realizations about myself that I was finally able to confront and change in order for me to keep moving forward. One of the things I needed most was some space from my Dad. We had a rough patch with communication and giving each other what we needed. It was because of this that I needed some time and space from him. He understood and told me he'd give me all of the time and space I needed. We hadn't spoken in months and in August I got a call from him. He called to let me know my sisters had been in a car accident and while they were ok, this was another life lesson that life is just too short. He wanted to know if I was ready to bring him back into my life. He called our distance "silliness". I had very valid reasons why I needed space and at that time I wasn't ready to just make amends and forgive him. I told him I wasn't ready yet and sadly, that was the last time I spoke to my father.
I constantly think back to that moment - had I known he would die months later, it never would have ended like it did. However, I know what I did was right for me at the time and that is something I must remember. The positive thing from all of this is that I do not carry guilt around with me. On the morning of his first service in Maryland, I wrote him a five page letter saying everything I needed to say and everything that I'd never be able to say to him again. When they took me in to see him laying peacefully in his casket, I tucked the letter in his arm, touched his face and told him finally, "I love you and forgive you, Dad". It was a powerful moment that brought peace to me during one of the most painful times of my life. I let the guilt go right then and there and vowed to myself never to look back at why I had made some choices I did. Dad loved me and knew why I had to do what I did. He knew I loved him too and looking back I now realize that he did the best he could. I take comfort in the fact of knowing that Dad is out of pain now and that he no longer will struggle with what life had dealt him.
While my family and I would agree that he left us all way too soon, I know he is in a better place now.
That was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. I'm sure your dad was so proud of you, and if he could see this, he'd be even more proud. You are an amazing person, Jennie.
ReplyDeleteLove, Norton