Every year my Shorr cousins, my sisters and I get together for what we call "Cousin's Weekend". We've been doing it for a handful of years, but each year they get better and better. As we all have gotten older, we've grown closer. During this past Cousin's Weekend, something happened. It was different than past times together. We spent over 36 hours together. Aside from the few hours we slept, we talked the entire time. We got political, philosophical, emotional, spiritual and downright comical. The levels of our relationships and our support for one another got taken to the next level. We all felt it. 'It' is what it is all about. It is what unconditional love and support for one another feels like. It was enlightening.
It was how things used to be when we were growing up, when we were young and innocent and didn't really know any better. The Shorrs weren't and still aren't the Cleavers. Every family has something and ours isn't to be excluded. That is the reason we are all so grateful to have created strong positive bonds together. We want to make up for what was lacking between us all when we grew up and so far, its working. My Dad finally even came to me in a dream to tell me this.
You see, after my Dad passed away, I asked him to come to me in some way when he felt I was ready. I communicated to him that I felt it would be best to come to me in a dream rather than just appearing at the foot of my bed in the middle of the night. I knew he would come to me when the time was right and that timing happened to be during the last night of my weekend with my cousin's and sisters.
The vivid dreams I used to have seemed to vanish after my Dad died. All weekend at the beach though, my dreams were back. I remember even commenting to the girls about this during one of our many chat sessions. My dream with my Dad was different than any other dream I've ever had though. I was lucid dreaming in fact, knowing that I was dreaming, and that what was happening was something I've been wanting to happen. It goes a little like this:
I was at a mall I've never been to before. I was alone. I was walking through the mall and passed an ice cream store. Outside of this store was a bench. On the bench sat three ladies eating ice cream. When I walked by them, they all looked at me. Right next to the ice cream store was a TV store. There were hundreds of TVs set up all throughout the store. Each one was set to a different channel. There was a HUGE TV set up in the window. I stopped when I walked by and watched part of a commercial that was on the TV in the window. I looked over at the ladies eating ice cream and then back to the screen again. When I looked back at the screen, I saw my father on TV, sitting in a chair all of way in the back of a random room. The room had a camera in it and the TV was just showing a live picture of this empty room with my Dad sitting in the back. He wasn't facing me, but was turned sideways. I immediately noticed his legs. They were as skinny as pencils. They were regular human legs with skin but they were literally as skinny as pencils. My Dad stayed seated and turned to face me. He wasn't wearing his hat or his glasses. His beard was in and was gray. He looked good, except for the abnormally skinny legs. He said hi to me and began talking. While he was talking to me, all I kept thinking was Holy shit! Dad has come to me. This is it. This is what I've asked for and here he is. I need to list, just like I asked. I couldn't recite a word he said but his message was clear. What me and my cousins were creating that weekend is what family is about. All of the recent silly drama that has been lingering about is not what it is about. He did tell me how he appreciates the week that Bube and Pop Pop got to spend with us. He knows how wonderful of a relationship we all have and he alluded to that giving him comfort. He got 'it' too! He came to let me know he's proud and happy. He was continuing to talk and for a split second, I turned my head away from the screen to look around. I wanted to see if anyone else around me saw him on TV. When I looked back at the TV, he was gone and the commercials were back.
I woke up instantly and shot out of bed. People can say what they want, but for me, I got what I asked for. He came to me and I welcomed it. The message was clear about family.. It made me even more grateful for my family and the good relationships we all have together. It was more than a dream to me, that's for sure.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Firsts
Sunday May, 2 marked 6 months that my father passed away. It also would have been his 60th birthday. I was very busy getting cookies and brownies ready for the Hoboken Arts and Music festival leading up to his birthday. Looking back, this was a good thing. Keeping busy helps disperse sad thoughts, so getting hundreds of baked goods together left me little time to think about being sad.
When I signed up for the festival back in January, I saw that it would be on May 2 and instantly knew I had to commit. As soon as I signed up, I asked Dad for a little help with the weather. In the past, the festivals fell on days with not so great weather. What I was hoping for was a solid sunny day. I had to laugh when the day arrived. I sure got my sunny day, but boy was it hot! Dad liked the warmer weather so I knew this hot sunny day was sent personally from him which made me smile through all of the sweat. I sure could have used his air conditioning skills to cool down our tent that day though.
I wore a special necklace to the festival. It was a gold locket passed down from my Bube. It was her mother's and my namesake, Jennie Greber. It has the initials "J G" inscribed on it. Inside the locket are pictures of my father and my Uncle Ed from when they were babies. Every time it clinked back and forth around my neck, I thought of Dad.
After the festival was over, I called my Dad's twin (Uncle Ed) to wish him a Happy Birthday. This day was another 'first' for us all. Uncle Ed told me he had mixed feelings about the day. He was thankful to celebrate with my Aunt, cousins and his grandsons who really helped to brighten his day. He admitted that he felt like a piece of him was missing. He felt this loss so strongly. He told me how he and my father always discussed their 60th birthday. They had planned to do something wild and crazy when they turned 60. I heard the sadness in Uncle Ed's voice when he was telling me this since it just wasn't an option anymore. I told Uncle Ed that he should still do something wild and crazy to honor my Dad and his 60th year. I'll need to follow up with him to see if he's decided to go forth with this.
Just a week after their birthday, I got an email from my Bube. It included a picture of my dad and uncle's birth announcement. Sure, its yellowed, torn and frayed, but I thought it was a pretty special thing to have a copy of.
In just a few weeks, we will have another "first" - Father's Day. My husband, myself and my sisters will travel to Florida for the weekend. We will spend some wonderful time with our Bube and Pop Pop. We will visit Dad at the cemetery on Father's Day, too. That sure is another first that I am not looking forward to. Being surrounded by family will help get us through yet another difficult occasion.
When I signed up for the festival back in January, I saw that it would be on May 2 and instantly knew I had to commit. As soon as I signed up, I asked Dad for a little help with the weather. In the past, the festivals fell on days with not so great weather. What I was hoping for was a solid sunny day. I had to laugh when the day arrived. I sure got my sunny day, but boy was it hot! Dad liked the warmer weather so I knew this hot sunny day was sent personally from him which made me smile through all of the sweat. I sure could have used his air conditioning skills to cool down our tent that day though.
I wore a special necklace to the festival. It was a gold locket passed down from my Bube. It was her mother's and my namesake, Jennie Greber. It has the initials "J G" inscribed on it. Inside the locket are pictures of my father and my Uncle Ed from when they were babies. Every time it clinked back and forth around my neck, I thought of Dad.
After the festival was over, I called my Dad's twin (Uncle Ed) to wish him a Happy Birthday. This day was another 'first' for us all. Uncle Ed told me he had mixed feelings about the day. He was thankful to celebrate with my Aunt, cousins and his grandsons who really helped to brighten his day. He admitted that he felt like a piece of him was missing. He felt this loss so strongly. He told me how he and my father always discussed their 60th birthday. They had planned to do something wild and crazy when they turned 60. I heard the sadness in Uncle Ed's voice when he was telling me this since it just wasn't an option anymore. I told Uncle Ed that he should still do something wild and crazy to honor my Dad and his 60th year. I'll need to follow up with him to see if he's decided to go forth with this.
Just a week after their birthday, I got an email from my Bube. It included a picture of my dad and uncle's birth announcement. Sure, its yellowed, torn and frayed, but I thought it was a pretty special thing to have a copy of.
In just a few weeks, we will have another "first" - Father's Day. My husband, myself and my sisters will travel to Florida for the weekend. We will spend some wonderful time with our Bube and Pop Pop. We will visit Dad at the cemetery on Father's Day, too. That sure is another first that I am not looking forward to. Being surrounded by family will help get us through yet another difficult occasion.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The Last 24 Hours
On Sunday, November 1, the movers were at Dad and Holly's house in Sykesville, MD packing up Dad's stuff. He and Holly had amicably decided to separate. They sold the house and were set to close on Friday November 6.
On Monday, November 2, Dad had an early flight to Florida where he was planning to move permanently. He had an apartment all ready for him in Delray Beach, FL which was close to Bube and Pop Pop. With his physical condition, he was better suited living in warm weather so that was his plan.
During the day on Sunday, Dad was stressed out. Just getting around the house wore him out normally, so moving day just exaggerated all of this. He hadn't been feeling great according to my sisters and stepmom. They had all battled a cold for weeks. Dad complained of a few weird symptoms but with him, all of his symptoms were weird! He was certainly a medical mystery with some things he was dealing with. Aches and pains were just the daily norm for him.
After a long day, the movers closed up the truck and set out on their drive to Florida with all of his possessions. The next day, he was ready to leave his life in Maryland and start a new one in Florida.
Sunday night, Dad had dinner with a friend. I spoke with his friend a month after he died to find out how he was at dinner that night. His friend confirmed that he was stressed. The move was a lot on him physically so he was also exhausted. She confirmed that he had some sort of respiratory infection that he had been battling for weeks. Overall, she got the sense that he was sad to move. He built a life in Maryland which didn't end up playing out how he had envisioned. He was sad to leave everything he had known for the last 25 years but knew it was best for him to go to Florida.
Later that night Dad returned home from dinner. Rebecca gave Dad her bed since his was in transit to Florida and she slept on the couch. As it got later into the night, she heard some commotion in Dad's room and went to see what was going on. He was shaking uncontrollably and stated that he was freezing. Becca went around the house and gathered as many blankets as she could to help warm him up. Once she got him settled, warm, and more comfortable, she returned to the couch. A little while later, she heard more commotion. When she went in this time, all of the blankets were thrown off of him. He said he was so hot and asked her to open up some windows and remove the remaining blankets covering him. This went on for hours until finally, everyone was able to get a few hours of sleep.
Before 7am, the household was up. Holly had to go to work and Rebecca had things she needed to do, also. However, it was evident that Dad wasn't feeling well still. He was going to wait until 9am when the doctors office opened to try to get an appointment. In the meantime, he decided it was best that he didn't travel to Florida that day. Rebecca worked on canceling his flight while he called Bube to let her know he wouldn't be coming down since he wasn't feeling well at all.
By 7:45am Holly left for work and Becca headed out to begin her day. They said goodbye to Dad and when they left, they both reported he was doing ok but still obviously not feeling well.
The morning goes on and Dad is not heard from. Last everyone knew, he was waiting to call the doctors office. Around 10am, Bube called him and got no answer. She began to really worry. She called Holly at school and asked if she heard from Dad. She didn't. After Holly tried calling him and he didn't answer, she started to worry too. She got permission to leave school and raced home to check on Dad. When she got in, Dad was in bed. While he was conscious, it was obvious he was having a lot of difficultly breathing. He was trying to talk but Holly couldn't understand him with the extremely labored breathing. Holly knew she had to call for help. She called the ambulance and they showed up quickly. When they arrived they immediately tested him and discovered his blood pressure and blood sugar were dangerously low. He was still having extreme difficultly breathing, but he was conscious. They put him into the ambulance and took him to Carrol County hospital. By this time, Rebecca was back at the house. Holly and Rebecca got a few things together and headed over to the hospital to see Dad.
For those that know my father, a trip to the hospital was nothing for him. Due to all of the physical issues he had, he ended up in the hospital at least twice a year. As Becca and Holly drove over to the hospital, they thought that this was just another one of his hospital stays. He'd be in for a few days and then get released, just like it always had been.
When they arrived at the hospital, a nurse greeted them and escorted them into a small room and told them to wait for a doctor. Right away, they knew something was up. The doctor came in and explained that my father was unable to breath on his own. He was hooked up to a breathing machine. At some point during the ambulance ride, he had also lost a significant amount of oxygen intake. Without doing a scan to confirm this, the doctors were positive that Dad was brain dead. They were asked what his wishes were and just like that, everything changed. I've heard the story from Becca and Holly many times, but that part is still so shocking to believe. One minute, Dad was 'ok' and the next minute he couldn't breath on his own? How could this have happened? Calls were made to family. Rachael left school and headed to the hospital.
I was in California while all of this was happening. I had spent the weekend in Palm Springs at one of the most amazing Phish festivals I've ever attended. We stayed at our friend Ryan's house for the weekend. Ryan had to be up and out early on Monday morning so we got dropped off at our friend Tom's hotel room nearby. Tom was headed to the airport early, but left his hotel key with a friend so that Jimmy and I could shower before we had to head to the airport.
I just had just finished drying my hair when I saw my cell phone ring. It was Rebecca. Since I wanted to get packed up, I let it go to voicemail. Within seconds, Jimmy's cell phone rings. I knew right away something was going on since Rebecca rarely if ever calls Jimmy. I grabbed his phone and could hear it in her voice. She wanted to know where I was. When I told her I was in California she replied with "Oh Shit".
I'll never forget the next few minutes of our phone call or where I was standing in that hotel room or how I felt or how my mind raced at how this all was remotely even possible. She told me everything that happened. She told me Dad couldn't breath on his own. She told me he was brain dead. Even after hearing those words, I still thought to myself, Oh Dad, you'll bounce back from this like all of the other times in the hospital. But this time was different. This time he didn't bounce back.
Before I boarded my flight home I was in contact with family every few minutes. Dad was still on life support when my flight left the ground. The whole plane ride was a blur. I remember just wishing I could keep my phone on and get reception. It was a long 5 hour flight and as soon as we touched down, I turned on my phone. I had 11 text messages and knew what they all said. As we were taxiing to the gate, I called Rebecca. My cousins and uncles had texted me to call them immediately but I knew I wanted to hear this news from my sister.
She confirmed what I was dreading. Dad passed away at 10:07pm. Holly, my sisters and Sara (a very close friend of Becca's) were getting ready to the leave the hospital for the night. The nurse noticed Dad's levels dropping. She suggested they wait a bit to stay with him which they did. They were all with him when his heart gave out. I'm comforted in knowing that when Dad passed, he was surrounded by loved ones and that he wasn't alone.
The final diagnosis of what ended up taking his life was pneumonia, sepsis and a bacteria infection. He was 59 1/2 years old.
Friday, April 2 will be 5 months since he left us. While he and I hadn't spoken in over three months and while I hadn't seen him in over a year, he is the first thing I think about when I wake up. He is the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. I feel closer to him now than I ever did before. However, I still wish that the end of his story could have been different.
On Monday, November 2, Dad had an early flight to Florida where he was planning to move permanently. He had an apartment all ready for him in Delray Beach, FL which was close to Bube and Pop Pop. With his physical condition, he was better suited living in warm weather so that was his plan.
During the day on Sunday, Dad was stressed out. Just getting around the house wore him out normally, so moving day just exaggerated all of this. He hadn't been feeling great according to my sisters and stepmom. They had all battled a cold for weeks. Dad complained of a few weird symptoms but with him, all of his symptoms were weird! He was certainly a medical mystery with some things he was dealing with. Aches and pains were just the daily norm for him.
After a long day, the movers closed up the truck and set out on their drive to Florida with all of his possessions. The next day, he was ready to leave his life in Maryland and start a new one in Florida.
Sunday night, Dad had dinner with a friend. I spoke with his friend a month after he died to find out how he was at dinner that night. His friend confirmed that he was stressed. The move was a lot on him physically so he was also exhausted. She confirmed that he had some sort of respiratory infection that he had been battling for weeks. Overall, she got the sense that he was sad to move. He built a life in Maryland which didn't end up playing out how he had envisioned. He was sad to leave everything he had known for the last 25 years but knew it was best for him to go to Florida.
Later that night Dad returned home from dinner. Rebecca gave Dad her bed since his was in transit to Florida and she slept on the couch. As it got later into the night, she heard some commotion in Dad's room and went to see what was going on. He was shaking uncontrollably and stated that he was freezing. Becca went around the house and gathered as many blankets as she could to help warm him up. Once she got him settled, warm, and more comfortable, she returned to the couch. A little while later, she heard more commotion. When she went in this time, all of the blankets were thrown off of him. He said he was so hot and asked her to open up some windows and remove the remaining blankets covering him. This went on for hours until finally, everyone was able to get a few hours of sleep.
Before 7am, the household was up. Holly had to go to work and Rebecca had things she needed to do, also. However, it was evident that Dad wasn't feeling well still. He was going to wait until 9am when the doctors office opened to try to get an appointment. In the meantime, he decided it was best that he didn't travel to Florida that day. Rebecca worked on canceling his flight while he called Bube to let her know he wouldn't be coming down since he wasn't feeling well at all.
By 7:45am Holly left for work and Becca headed out to begin her day. They said goodbye to Dad and when they left, they both reported he was doing ok but still obviously not feeling well.
The morning goes on and Dad is not heard from. Last everyone knew, he was waiting to call the doctors office. Around 10am, Bube called him and got no answer. She began to really worry. She called Holly at school and asked if she heard from Dad. She didn't. After Holly tried calling him and he didn't answer, she started to worry too. She got permission to leave school and raced home to check on Dad. When she got in, Dad was in bed. While he was conscious, it was obvious he was having a lot of difficultly breathing. He was trying to talk but Holly couldn't understand him with the extremely labored breathing. Holly knew she had to call for help. She called the ambulance and they showed up quickly. When they arrived they immediately tested him and discovered his blood pressure and blood sugar were dangerously low. He was still having extreme difficultly breathing, but he was conscious. They put him into the ambulance and took him to Carrol County hospital. By this time, Rebecca was back at the house. Holly and Rebecca got a few things together and headed over to the hospital to see Dad.
For those that know my father, a trip to the hospital was nothing for him. Due to all of the physical issues he had, he ended up in the hospital at least twice a year. As Becca and Holly drove over to the hospital, they thought that this was just another one of his hospital stays. He'd be in for a few days and then get released, just like it always had been.
When they arrived at the hospital, a nurse greeted them and escorted them into a small room and told them to wait for a doctor. Right away, they knew something was up. The doctor came in and explained that my father was unable to breath on his own. He was hooked up to a breathing machine. At some point during the ambulance ride, he had also lost a significant amount of oxygen intake. Without doing a scan to confirm this, the doctors were positive that Dad was brain dead. They were asked what his wishes were and just like that, everything changed. I've heard the story from Becca and Holly many times, but that part is still so shocking to believe. One minute, Dad was 'ok' and the next minute he couldn't breath on his own? How could this have happened? Calls were made to family. Rachael left school and headed to the hospital.
I was in California while all of this was happening. I had spent the weekend in Palm Springs at one of the most amazing Phish festivals I've ever attended. We stayed at our friend Ryan's house for the weekend. Ryan had to be up and out early on Monday morning so we got dropped off at our friend Tom's hotel room nearby. Tom was headed to the airport early, but left his hotel key with a friend so that Jimmy and I could shower before we had to head to the airport.
I just had just finished drying my hair when I saw my cell phone ring. It was Rebecca. Since I wanted to get packed up, I let it go to voicemail. Within seconds, Jimmy's cell phone rings. I knew right away something was going on since Rebecca rarely if ever calls Jimmy. I grabbed his phone and could hear it in her voice. She wanted to know where I was. When I told her I was in California she replied with "Oh Shit".
I'll never forget the next few minutes of our phone call or where I was standing in that hotel room or how I felt or how my mind raced at how this all was remotely even possible. She told me everything that happened. She told me Dad couldn't breath on his own. She told me he was brain dead. Even after hearing those words, I still thought to myself, Oh Dad, you'll bounce back from this like all of the other times in the hospital. But this time was different. This time he didn't bounce back.
Before I boarded my flight home I was in contact with family every few minutes. Dad was still on life support when my flight left the ground. The whole plane ride was a blur. I remember just wishing I could keep my phone on and get reception. It was a long 5 hour flight and as soon as we touched down, I turned on my phone. I had 11 text messages and knew what they all said. As we were taxiing to the gate, I called Rebecca. My cousins and uncles had texted me to call them immediately but I knew I wanted to hear this news from my sister.
She confirmed what I was dreading. Dad passed away at 10:07pm. Holly, my sisters and Sara (a very close friend of Becca's) were getting ready to the leave the hospital for the night. The nurse noticed Dad's levels dropping. She suggested they wait a bit to stay with him which they did. They were all with him when his heart gave out. I'm comforted in knowing that when Dad passed, he was surrounded by loved ones and that he wasn't alone.
The final diagnosis of what ended up taking his life was pneumonia, sepsis and a bacteria infection. He was 59 1/2 years old.
Friday, April 2 will be 5 months since he left us. While he and I hadn't spoken in over three months and while I hadn't seen him in over a year, he is the first thing I think about when I wake up. He is the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. I feel closer to him now than I ever did before. However, I still wish that the end of his story could have been different.
On November 2, 2009, HOWARD L. SHORR, beloved husband of Holly Shorr (nee Bloom), loving father of Jennie Broderick of New Jersey, Rebecca Shorr and Rachael Shorr both of Maryland, loving father-in-law of Jim Broderick, cherished son of Jonah and Thelma “Temi” Shorr (nee Saget) of Florida, devoted brother of Jay Shorr of Florida and Edwin Shorr of Pennsylvania. Services at Sol Levinson & Bros. Inc. on Wednesday, November 4, at 4 p.m. Interment in South Florida VA Cemetery, Florida on Monday November 9. Contributions to Vietnam Veterans Of America, 8605 Cameron St., Suite 400, Silver Spring, Md., 20910-3710.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A little piece of Dad
When my family and I were going through Dad's stuff the week following his death, we came upon some jewelry of his. Some of it was sentimental to us while others we weren't sure what the significance was.
One of the pieces we found was his high school class ring. We decided to offer it to our Uncle Ed, dad's twin. He didn't want it so my sisters came up with the idea of melting it down and creating three charms out of it....one for each of us. As soon as that idea was presented to me, I knew it was the right thing to do. I loved the idea, in fact.
Rebecca headed up this project and met with a jeweler in Maryland. They came up with a simple design for a charm and a little over a month later, they were ready. I didn't want my charm put in the mail just in case it got lost, so I waited until I saw my family at my cousin's birthday party on February 13 to get it.
My stepmom and sisters had given me a new gold chain as a Hanukkah gift so I made sure to wear the chain to the party. I knew I wanted to put the charm on the chain as soon as I got it and that is just what I did. Though, the day I got the charm is the only day I have worn the necklace so far. I'm not sure why I don't wear it more because I really love it and the idea behind it. I like knowing that whenever I want to feel close to Dad, I can put this necklace on. The charm, which touches close to my heart, is a reminder and a treasured keepsake of him. It is a little piece of Dad and sadly, one of the only little pieces of him I've got to hold on to now.
One of the pieces we found was his high school class ring. We decided to offer it to our Uncle Ed, dad's twin. He didn't want it so my sisters came up with the idea of melting it down and creating three charms out of it....one for each of us. As soon as that idea was presented to me, I knew it was the right thing to do. I loved the idea, in fact.
Rebecca headed up this project and met with a jeweler in Maryland. They came up with a simple design for a charm and a little over a month later, they were ready. I didn't want my charm put in the mail just in case it got lost, so I waited until I saw my family at my cousin's birthday party on February 13 to get it.
My stepmom and sisters had given me a new gold chain as a Hanukkah gift so I made sure to wear the chain to the party. I knew I wanted to put the charm on the chain as soon as I got it and that is just what I did. Though, the day I got the charm is the only day I have worn the necklace so far. I'm not sure why I don't wear it more because I really love it and the idea behind it. I like knowing that whenever I want to feel close to Dad, I can put this necklace on. The charm, which touches close to my heart, is a reminder and a treasured keepsake of him. It is a little piece of Dad and sadly, one of the only little pieces of him I've got to hold on to now.
It is difficult to photograph clearly, but this is my little piece of Dad:
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Disappointment
I have debated about writing an entry on this subject but wasn't sure if it was one I wanted to post or not. It doesn't entirely revolve around my father and while it is based on what happened to him, I just wasn't sure if it was a topic I'd include here. Writing has helped me through this grieving process. If I can let go of some things I've been feeling by writing about it, well, I may as well do it.
When a loved one passes away, most people smother you with their love, support and prayers. My family and I joked about the three token sympathy phrases we heard: "I'm so sorry for your loss", "My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time" and "If there is anything I can do, please don't hesitate to ask." They are the cliche death phrases that people tell you when they have no idea what else to say. And really - what else is there to say? So, I acknowledge and appreciate their gesture of support. While some people rush to be by your side, others totally retreat away from you and act like nothing ever happened. It is those people that this entry is about.
People go on with their lives. I understand that. While they may think of those grieving from time to time, they aren't living with the pain, grief and disbelief that is left after losing a loved one. The truth of the matter is that until you are in the situation you really do not know what it feels like. That being said, I don't know what it's like to lose a sibling like my good friend Jackie did, but I know what her pain from grief and loss feels like. I don't know what it feels like to lose a child, but I can relate to Chris and Lani with the grief and loss they feel. I think until you are touched by a loss so close, you just don't understand. Losing a parent is something that almost all of us will go through in our lifetime. I went through it earlier than most should, but I know that one day everyone will understand, unfortunately.
Over the past few years, a few of my very good friends lost their fathers. It wasn't until I lost my own father that I realized I wasn't a support for them during that time. I felt so terrible about it. My good friend Mary told me not to worry when I communicated this to her about when she lost her father. She told me that she had the same feelings and realizations when her Dad died about other friends of hers who lost their fathers. She said those same words to me "Until you go through it, you just don't know".
I've been told that I am a highly emotional and sensitive person. I don't disagree. I hold onto emotions and feel them deeply. Sometimes I let them get the best of me. I have trouble letting go of negative feelings and it is something I'm working on. Currently, I'm struggling the most with letting go of disappointment I feel towards a few people in my life that haven't been there for me. Its baffles me how some have just not acknowledged the fact that I just went through what I'd consider to be one of the worst experiences of my life. I have spoken to others who have suffered losses and unfortunately, this rings true across the board. Everyone makes the same claims. I've read it in books many times. Just the other night, I came across this passage in this book I'm reading about grief. (pardon my quoting, I'm a bit rusty on the rules of citing sources! :)
"You may have better insight into some of your relationships at this time - who can best provide an ear to listen to you, and who can best motivate you to get things done. You may also re-prioritize many of your relationships because of what you experience in grief, and how you experience it. Many of the people that I have worked with have changed the company they keep as a result of going through the grief process. Similarly, you may find that some of your closest friends are no longer very close to you, or are not very understanding of what you are going through. You may also find that people you had thought of as casual acquaintances are now much closer friends. On the other hand, close friends and relatives may come forward with unwavering support and show you just why you love them."
I read that and thought, YES! All of the above applies! I have family members and friends who I have grown even closer with and who have been an absolutely amazing support. I have people who I didn't consider to be great friends with surprise me and be incredibly supportive. It is all of their positivity and support that I should be focusing on - a lot of times of I do.
When I vent to Jimmy about it he is incredibly understanding and helpful. It doesn't take away the hurt I feel though. In talking with a few people, I've explored a few possibilities. "Maybe they don't deal well with death" is one that a lot of people say. Well, I'll tell ya what! This one gets my blood going. If that isn't the worst excuse, then I don't know what is. Who does deal well with death? The only people I can think of are those in the funeral business.
Another popular one: "Maybe they don't know what to say or are afraid to say the wrong thing?" To that I say - I'd rather have you say the wrong thing to me than not say anything at all. Oh, but wait? You are uncomfortable with death? Well, guess what? SO AM I! The difference is that I have absolutely no choice but to deal with it.
I also wonder if people look at me and think "She's laughing, smiling, joking around...she seems like herself so I guess she is ok" or "She didn't have a good relationship with her father anyway, I'm sure this isn't too hard for her to deal with". The reality is yeah, I am ok. Yeah, I am still Jennie. The difference is that there is a lot more going on in my head right now. This experience has made me think differently about everything. It has made me ponder about purpose, life, death, friendships, what I want for myself out of life......its all heavy shit, that's for sure. Its constantly brewing and swirling through my brain so while I seem like me, I'm really not. It is this new me. It is a transitional me who wants good things and wants to feel good. In my head, I feel like all of my life boxes are unpacked for me to examine closely. I'm sorting through, processing them and figuring out what I want to toss and what I want to keep. Phish sings the line "So toss away stuff you don't need in the end, But keep what's important and know who's your friend" in their song titled Theme from the Bottom. I can't help but to feel a connection to those lyrics since that is exactly what I'm doing right now.
That all doesn't mean I'm throwing some friends and family away though. I think of a saying that Rebecca, my spiritual adviser, once told me. "People come into our life for a lifetime, a reason or a season. As we continue through life's up and downs, we will learn who we can count on. Just because someone you consider to be close with isn't really there for you when the going gets tough doesn't mean they don't add value to friendship in other ways." I know she is right and I try to keep her voice of positivity with me often.
Ultimately, I know this is all normal. I know I should focus on those that are there for me right now versus those who aren't. I know it is not just me who has felt this way. I know there are others who can relate. I also know that I will get through this. I'll get the life boxes in my head organized and cleaned up. As I wrap up this entry, I can hear Dad saying, "Jen, this too shall pass."
Book Quote from:
Grieving Mindfully by Sameet M. Kumar, Ph.D. Page 63
When a loved one passes away, most people smother you with their love, support and prayers. My family and I joked about the three token sympathy phrases we heard: "I'm so sorry for your loss", "My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time" and "If there is anything I can do, please don't hesitate to ask." They are the cliche death phrases that people tell you when they have no idea what else to say. And really - what else is there to say? So, I acknowledge and appreciate their gesture of support. While some people rush to be by your side, others totally retreat away from you and act like nothing ever happened. It is those people that this entry is about.
People go on with their lives. I understand that. While they may think of those grieving from time to time, they aren't living with the pain, grief and disbelief that is left after losing a loved one. The truth of the matter is that until you are in the situation you really do not know what it feels like. That being said, I don't know what it's like to lose a sibling like my good friend Jackie did, but I know what her pain from grief and loss feels like. I don't know what it feels like to lose a child, but I can relate to Chris and Lani with the grief and loss they feel. I think until you are touched by a loss so close, you just don't understand. Losing a parent is something that almost all of us will go through in our lifetime. I went through it earlier than most should, but I know that one day everyone will understand, unfortunately.
Over the past few years, a few of my very good friends lost their fathers. It wasn't until I lost my own father that I realized I wasn't a support for them during that time. I felt so terrible about it. My good friend Mary told me not to worry when I communicated this to her about when she lost her father. She told me that she had the same feelings and realizations when her Dad died about other friends of hers who lost their fathers. She said those same words to me "Until you go through it, you just don't know".
I've been told that I am a highly emotional and sensitive person. I don't disagree. I hold onto emotions and feel them deeply. Sometimes I let them get the best of me. I have trouble letting go of negative feelings and it is something I'm working on. Currently, I'm struggling the most with letting go of disappointment I feel towards a few people in my life that haven't been there for me. Its baffles me how some have just not acknowledged the fact that I just went through what I'd consider to be one of the worst experiences of my life. I have spoken to others who have suffered losses and unfortunately, this rings true across the board. Everyone makes the same claims. I've read it in books many times. Just the other night, I came across this passage in this book I'm reading about grief. (pardon my quoting, I'm a bit rusty on the rules of citing sources! :)
"You may have better insight into some of your relationships at this time - who can best provide an ear to listen to you, and who can best motivate you to get things done. You may also re-prioritize many of your relationships because of what you experience in grief, and how you experience it. Many of the people that I have worked with have changed the company they keep as a result of going through the grief process. Similarly, you may find that some of your closest friends are no longer very close to you, or are not very understanding of what you are going through. You may also find that people you had thought of as casual acquaintances are now much closer friends. On the other hand, close friends and relatives may come forward with unwavering support and show you just why you love them."
I read that and thought, YES! All of the above applies! I have family members and friends who I have grown even closer with and who have been an absolutely amazing support. I have people who I didn't consider to be great friends with surprise me and be incredibly supportive. It is all of their positivity and support that I should be focusing on - a lot of times of I do.
When I vent to Jimmy about it he is incredibly understanding and helpful. It doesn't take away the hurt I feel though. In talking with a few people, I've explored a few possibilities. "Maybe they don't deal well with death" is one that a lot of people say. Well, I'll tell ya what! This one gets my blood going. If that isn't the worst excuse, then I don't know what is. Who does deal well with death? The only people I can think of are those in the funeral business.
Another popular one: "Maybe they don't know what to say or are afraid to say the wrong thing?" To that I say - I'd rather have you say the wrong thing to me than not say anything at all. Oh, but wait? You are uncomfortable with death? Well, guess what? SO AM I! The difference is that I have absolutely no choice but to deal with it.
I also wonder if people look at me and think "She's laughing, smiling, joking around...she seems like herself so I guess she is ok" or "She didn't have a good relationship with her father anyway, I'm sure this isn't too hard for her to deal with". The reality is yeah, I am ok. Yeah, I am still Jennie. The difference is that there is a lot more going on in my head right now. This experience has made me think differently about everything. It has made me ponder about purpose, life, death, friendships, what I want for myself out of life......its all heavy shit, that's for sure. Its constantly brewing and swirling through my brain so while I seem like me, I'm really not. It is this new me. It is a transitional me who wants good things and wants to feel good. In my head, I feel like all of my life boxes are unpacked for me to examine closely. I'm sorting through, processing them and figuring out what I want to toss and what I want to keep. Phish sings the line "So toss away stuff you don't need in the end, But keep what's important and know who's your friend" in their song titled Theme from the Bottom. I can't help but to feel a connection to those lyrics since that is exactly what I'm doing right now.
That all doesn't mean I'm throwing some friends and family away though. I think of a saying that Rebecca, my spiritual adviser, once told me. "People come into our life for a lifetime, a reason or a season. As we continue through life's up and downs, we will learn who we can count on. Just because someone you consider to be close with isn't really there for you when the going gets tough doesn't mean they don't add value to friendship in other ways." I know she is right and I try to keep her voice of positivity with me often.
Ultimately, I know this is all normal. I know I should focus on those that are there for me right now versus those who aren't. I know it is not just me who has felt this way. I know there are others who can relate. I also know that I will get through this. I'll get the life boxes in my head organized and cleaned up. As I wrap up this entry, I can hear Dad saying, "Jen, this too shall pass."
Book Quote from:
Grieving Mindfully by Sameet M. Kumar, Ph.D. Page 63
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
3 months
Today marks the 3 month anniversary of Dad's passing. I've spoken with Holly, Becca and Rach and they all agree with me. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that he left us while other times it feels like an eternity.
Either way, one thing is clear. We are getting further and further away from the day that he died. We will never get to go back in that direction or get closer to that day, ever again. This distance will continue to grow leaving us with only photos, sentimental belongings of his and memories.
Dad, we love you and think about you everyday. Today we reflect on you, your life and what its been like without you for the past three months.
Either way, one thing is clear. We are getting further and further away from the day that he died. We will never get to go back in that direction or get closer to that day, ever again. This distance will continue to grow leaving us with only photos, sentimental belongings of his and memories.
Dad, we love you and think about you everyday. Today we reflect on you, your life and what its been like without you for the past three months.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Eternally Comfortable - Part 2
After Dad died, my grandparents and stepmom, Holly, discussed where he should be buried. Since Dad was supposed to move to Delray Beach, FL on the day he died, we knew he ultimately would have enjoyed being put to rest there. It was also important to Bube and Pop Pop that he was close so they could visit him often. They found a beautiful Veteran’s cemetery in Boynton Beach, FL and knew that was the perfect place for him. Since he served in Vietnam from 1969-1971 and had an honorable discharge, he qualified to be buried there. The ceremony for FL was set for November 9, 2009, so Jimmy and I flew to FL a day in advance. We met my sisters at the airport, checked into the hotel and went to be with all of our family for dinner.
At my Uncle’s Jay and Janee’s house on Sunday night, we had a great BBQ dinner cooked for us by Janee’s daughters. We sat around the table and told funny stories about Dad. That moment was surely something he would have loved to have been a part of. He loved telling stories from his childhood, especially when the family got together.
During many points throughout the night, I became an observer. My family was altogether. My grandparents, my Uncles, my cousins....altogether under one roof! We always had various family gatherings growing up but as the years went on, rifts were formed and we got together less and less. What I had experienced as family togetherness as a child became just a memory. Though years later, all because of the circumstances, here we were…….altogether again. It is something I never would have believed if you told me it would happen. It was necessary and it felt good, even if the reason it was happening was because Dad was gone.
We knew Monday would be a long day so it wasn’t a late night at Uncle Jay and Janee’s house. Jimmy, my sisters and I went back to the hotel and got a good night’s rest. My sisters and I woke up on Monday morning with dread in our bones. Today, we would bury our father. This was it. It was final. As eager as I was to get the Wednesday Maryland service over with was as apprehensive as I was to get the Monday one over with. We knew it would be hard and emotional to go through an entire service again and it was.
Jimmy, my sisters and I were the first to arrive at the funeral home which didn’t surprise us. If you didn’t know, many of the Shorr’s are notoriously late and Dad’s funeral was no exception, funny enough. They took us back into a cozy waiting room filled with plush leather sofas and boxes of tissues everywhere. The energy in this room wasn’t good no matter how much they tried with the upbeat photography and dimmed lighted. I wondered how many tears had been shed in here. I thought of all of the sad people that collapsed on these nice sofas in pure grief. I thought about all of the hugs and kisses that had been exchanged in there. I wondered how many boxes of tissues they’d gone through, but most of all, I wondered how on earth I ended up here. Then that thought was let out of my mind’s compartment once again and......oh yeah....Dad died.
We were told the casket wouldn’t be open again once it was closed in Maryland. So, you can imagine our surprise when we entered the sanctuary to see Dad’s Vietnam hat sticking up out of the coffin. We hadn’t prepared ourselves to see him again. I’ll never forget the look on Rebecca’s face. I think it was her that was taken aback the most by this. When the funeral director saw our surprise upon walking in the room, he held us back to make sure Dad was ok. He wasn’t embalmed and it had been exactly one week since he died. We weren’t sure how he’d look truthfully. After a quick check, the director told us it was ok to come in. As we got closer, we saw Dad’s hat in more detail. The plaid in his shirt came to view and then his coveralls. Yup, it was him. He was still in there. He was still dead, but surprisingly, he looked even better than he had last week. I looked in the casket and saw that the letter I wrote him was still tucked in his arm. His pocket knife was still in his pocket. He still looked comfortable.
Seeing my Uncle Jay, my Dad’s youngest brother, and my cousins see him for the first time in the casket was hard. Seeing my Bube and Pop-Pop collapse on his casket again was also hard. I stood at the foot of his coffin with my hands touching the flag that draped it. I looked at my entire family gathered around my father. I saw the sadness in each of their eyes. It is a moment that my mind’s picture gallery will never forget.
Before we knew it, the family waiting room was filled with people paying their respects to us. Most of them were friends with my Uncle Jay, Janee and Bube and Pop-Pop, so there were lots of introductions. However, my heart lit up when a friend of mine appeared in the line. Noelle gave me a familiar hug which at that moment was needed more than she’ll ever know. Noelle had relocated to FL a few years ago and lived about an hour north of my grandparents. When she learned my father died and that there would be a FL service, she told me to keep her updated. I didn’t expect to see her there because she has two little ones and a husband with a very crazy work schedule. Though, she made it. It meant so much to me to have the support of a good friend on such a difficult day.
The line of greeters was dwindling and it was time to start the service and move back into the sanctuary. It was different from the one in Baltimore. Behind the podium were French doors which looked out into a courtyard with trees. As we entered, I noticed the overcast skies and how the wind blew the trees around at a steady pace. We sat in the front row and the Rabbi took the podium. He spoke and then invited my sisters and I to read our Eulogy again. After we spoke, members of my family said a few words. My cousin Jordan spoke and my Uncle Jay’s wife, Janee, spoke on my behalf of my Bube. Finally, my dad’s youngest brother (Uncle Jay) and twin brother (Uncle Ed) spoke. After everyone concluded speaking, the Rabbi began again. He said the line, “Howard is with his keeper now” and with that, the skies let up. Rain streaks filled the outside of the French doors at a rapid pace. Raindrops got bigger and bigger and before we knew it, the rains outside became torrential and the service was over.
We were on a strict timeline at the cemetery because of other funerals but when we stepped outside, we knew we’d be late. Since we were having the burial at a Veteran’s cemetery, we had a motorcade from the funeral home to the cemetery. The men couldn’t ride motorcycles and escort us safely in these rains so we were held up almost 30 minutes. As we sat in the car and listened to the rain pound on the roof while we waited, we joked that Dad wasn’t quite ready to go to the cemetery just yet.
Just as quickly as the rains came on, they stopped. It cleared enough for us to begin our drive. Since it was a slow motorcade, it felt like it took forever to get there. We were quiet in the car and definitely anxious. Before long we were pulling into this beautiful green landscaped area at the cemetery. I was impressed with how pretty and neatly kept this place was. There were plants and American flags everywhere. It was clean and welcoming. When we stepped out of the car, I noticed how quiet and peaceful it was too. I thought to myself, Dad will be happy here.
At this cemetery, they don’t do the burial service at the actual plot. Instead, they took us to this small covered pavilion. On the path up to the pavilion my family was saluted by a few members of the National Guard which was an intense moment. We all gathered in the pavilion while I stood up in front with the Rabbi since I asked to read a short prayer. It was then that I saw the side of my Dad’s coffin with two stickers placed on it. One read: Howard L. Shorr, the other read: DOB: 5/2/50, DOD: 11/2/09. A pit feeling filled my stomach. Reading those stickers was just another thing that made this all more real and final.
Once we were all gathered, Taps began to play. I always associated this song with the old computer game of Hangman that I used to play growing up. While it was being played, I couldn’t help but think how much I’d rather be hearing this after losing a game of hangman. I wished so badly I wasn’t hearing it because I lost my father instead.
Since we were late to the cemetery, they were rushing us which I wasn’t thrilled about. I was first told there wasn’t even enough time for me to read my short prayer which upset me. In the end, the rabbi insisted to the cemetery director that I read it. The prayer that I wanted to read was special for a few reasons. First, it is beautiful and appropriate. Second, it was read earlier in the year at a memorial service for Silas Orion, the son of our good friends Chris and Lani. Silas entered the world on 9/25/08 and left 10 hours later which devastated us all. In May, Chris and Lani held a tree planting ceremony at their local park in New Haven, CT. They planted a beautiful maple and sprinkled some of his ashes into the soil. Chris read the Hopi’s Prayer of the Soul’s Graduation which I heard for the first time, then. It was heart wrenching. It was beautiful and perfect. As soon as I found out there would be a burial service for Dad, I asked if I could read something short there. I knew immediately that I had to read that same Hopi prayer. As we stood under the pavilion, the wind picked up and the rain started again, hard. It was pounding up on the tin roof of the pavilion so loudly that you could barely hear anything else. I remember saying in my head, “Dad, make the rain stop! I want to read this prayer for you and I want everyone to hear it!!!” Time was precious since the next service was waiting and I was afraid with the rain not letting up I wouldn’t be able to read. All of the sudden, it slowed. It was still loud and I knew I had to really speak up, but what followed still gives me the chills. I began to read...
HOPI PRAYER of The Soul's Graduation:
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight
On the ripened grain.
I am the gentle Autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there.
I did not die.
My Spirit is still alive…
At the part where I read “I am a thousand winds that blow”, the wind gusted all around us. At the part where I read “I am the gentle Autumn's rain”, the rain blew in sideways, sprinkling us all. Now, I don’t believe in coincidences. I knew Dad was making his presence known there. I barely got through the poem with my shaky, crying voice but I did it. It was beautiful and I knew Dad would have appreciated it.
The Rabbi said his final prayer and the flag was taken off of Dad’s casket. The national guardsmen began to fold the flag with extreme precision. It was folded perfectly into a triangle and presented to my grandparents. There wasn’t a dry eye while this was happening. They saluted my grandparents and the service was over. We all got a little bit of soil from Israel to sprinkle on Dad’s casket. I kissed my hand, touched the casket, said in my head “Dad, I love you, rest in peace!” and walked away. It was time to go and I didn’t look back. Dad was at his new home and I knew he’d be eternally comfortable there.
At my Uncle’s Jay and Janee’s house on Sunday night, we had a great BBQ dinner cooked for us by Janee’s daughters. We sat around the table and told funny stories about Dad. That moment was surely something he would have loved to have been a part of. He loved telling stories from his childhood, especially when the family got together.
During many points throughout the night, I became an observer. My family was altogether. My grandparents, my Uncles, my cousins....altogether under one roof! We always had various family gatherings growing up but as the years went on, rifts were formed and we got together less and less. What I had experienced as family togetherness as a child became just a memory. Though years later, all because of the circumstances, here we were…….altogether again. It is something I never would have believed if you told me it would happen. It was necessary and it felt good, even if the reason it was happening was because Dad was gone.
We knew Monday would be a long day so it wasn’t a late night at Uncle Jay and Janee’s house. Jimmy, my sisters and I went back to the hotel and got a good night’s rest. My sisters and I woke up on Monday morning with dread in our bones. Today, we would bury our father. This was it. It was final. As eager as I was to get the Wednesday Maryland service over with was as apprehensive as I was to get the Monday one over with. We knew it would be hard and emotional to go through an entire service again and it was.
Jimmy, my sisters and I were the first to arrive at the funeral home which didn’t surprise us. If you didn’t know, many of the Shorr’s are notoriously late and Dad’s funeral was no exception, funny enough. They took us back into a cozy waiting room filled with plush leather sofas and boxes of tissues everywhere. The energy in this room wasn’t good no matter how much they tried with the upbeat photography and dimmed lighted. I wondered how many tears had been shed in here. I thought of all of the sad people that collapsed on these nice sofas in pure grief. I thought about all of the hugs and kisses that had been exchanged in there. I wondered how many boxes of tissues they’d gone through, but most of all, I wondered how on earth I ended up here. Then that thought was let out of my mind’s compartment once again and......oh yeah....Dad died.
We were told the casket wouldn’t be open again once it was closed in Maryland. So, you can imagine our surprise when we entered the sanctuary to see Dad’s Vietnam hat sticking up out of the coffin. We hadn’t prepared ourselves to see him again. I’ll never forget the look on Rebecca’s face. I think it was her that was taken aback the most by this. When the funeral director saw our surprise upon walking in the room, he held us back to make sure Dad was ok. He wasn’t embalmed and it had been exactly one week since he died. We weren’t sure how he’d look truthfully. After a quick check, the director told us it was ok to come in. As we got closer, we saw Dad’s hat in more detail. The plaid in his shirt came to view and then his coveralls. Yup, it was him. He was still in there. He was still dead, but surprisingly, he looked even better than he had last week. I looked in the casket and saw that the letter I wrote him was still tucked in his arm. His pocket knife was still in his pocket. He still looked comfortable.
Seeing my Uncle Jay, my Dad’s youngest brother, and my cousins see him for the first time in the casket was hard. Seeing my Bube and Pop-Pop collapse on his casket again was also hard. I stood at the foot of his coffin with my hands touching the flag that draped it. I looked at my entire family gathered around my father. I saw the sadness in each of their eyes. It is a moment that my mind’s picture gallery will never forget.
Before we knew it, the family waiting room was filled with people paying their respects to us. Most of them were friends with my Uncle Jay, Janee and Bube and Pop-Pop, so there were lots of introductions. However, my heart lit up when a friend of mine appeared in the line. Noelle gave me a familiar hug which at that moment was needed more than she’ll ever know. Noelle had relocated to FL a few years ago and lived about an hour north of my grandparents. When she learned my father died and that there would be a FL service, she told me to keep her updated. I didn’t expect to see her there because she has two little ones and a husband with a very crazy work schedule. Though, she made it. It meant so much to me to have the support of a good friend on such a difficult day.
The line of greeters was dwindling and it was time to start the service and move back into the sanctuary. It was different from the one in Baltimore. Behind the podium were French doors which looked out into a courtyard with trees. As we entered, I noticed the overcast skies and how the wind blew the trees around at a steady pace. We sat in the front row and the Rabbi took the podium. He spoke and then invited my sisters and I to read our Eulogy again. After we spoke, members of my family said a few words. My cousin Jordan spoke and my Uncle Jay’s wife, Janee, spoke on my behalf of my Bube. Finally, my dad’s youngest brother (Uncle Jay) and twin brother (Uncle Ed) spoke. After everyone concluded speaking, the Rabbi began again. He said the line, “Howard is with his keeper now” and with that, the skies let up. Rain streaks filled the outside of the French doors at a rapid pace. Raindrops got bigger and bigger and before we knew it, the rains outside became torrential and the service was over.
We were on a strict timeline at the cemetery because of other funerals but when we stepped outside, we knew we’d be late. Since we were having the burial at a Veteran’s cemetery, we had a motorcade from the funeral home to the cemetery. The men couldn’t ride motorcycles and escort us safely in these rains so we were held up almost 30 minutes. As we sat in the car and listened to the rain pound on the roof while we waited, we joked that Dad wasn’t quite ready to go to the cemetery just yet.
Just as quickly as the rains came on, they stopped. It cleared enough for us to begin our drive. Since it was a slow motorcade, it felt like it took forever to get there. We were quiet in the car and definitely anxious. Before long we were pulling into this beautiful green landscaped area at the cemetery. I was impressed with how pretty and neatly kept this place was. There were plants and American flags everywhere. It was clean and welcoming. When we stepped out of the car, I noticed how quiet and peaceful it was too. I thought to myself, Dad will be happy here.
At this cemetery, they don’t do the burial service at the actual plot. Instead, they took us to this small covered pavilion. On the path up to the pavilion my family was saluted by a few members of the National Guard which was an intense moment. We all gathered in the pavilion while I stood up in front with the Rabbi since I asked to read a short prayer. It was then that I saw the side of my Dad’s coffin with two stickers placed on it. One read: Howard L. Shorr, the other read: DOB: 5/2/50, DOD: 11/2/09. A pit feeling filled my stomach. Reading those stickers was just another thing that made this all more real and final.
Once we were all gathered, Taps began to play. I always associated this song with the old computer game of Hangman that I used to play growing up. While it was being played, I couldn’t help but think how much I’d rather be hearing this after losing a game of hangman. I wished so badly I wasn’t hearing it because I lost my father instead.
Since we were late to the cemetery, they were rushing us which I wasn’t thrilled about. I was first told there wasn’t even enough time for me to read my short prayer which upset me. In the end, the rabbi insisted to the cemetery director that I read it. The prayer that I wanted to read was special for a few reasons. First, it is beautiful and appropriate. Second, it was read earlier in the year at a memorial service for Silas Orion, the son of our good friends Chris and Lani. Silas entered the world on 9/25/08 and left 10 hours later which devastated us all. In May, Chris and Lani held a tree planting ceremony at their local park in New Haven, CT. They planted a beautiful maple and sprinkled some of his ashes into the soil. Chris read the Hopi’s Prayer of the Soul’s Graduation which I heard for the first time, then. It was heart wrenching. It was beautiful and perfect. As soon as I found out there would be a burial service for Dad, I asked if I could read something short there. I knew immediately that I had to read that same Hopi prayer. As we stood under the pavilion, the wind picked up and the rain started again, hard. It was pounding up on the tin roof of the pavilion so loudly that you could barely hear anything else. I remember saying in my head, “Dad, make the rain stop! I want to read this prayer for you and I want everyone to hear it!!!” Time was precious since the next service was waiting and I was afraid with the rain not letting up I wouldn’t be able to read. All of the sudden, it slowed. It was still loud and I knew I had to really speak up, but what followed still gives me the chills. I began to read...
HOPI PRAYER of The Soul's Graduation:
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight
On the ripened grain.
I am the gentle Autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there.
I did not die.
My Spirit is still alive…
At the part where I read “I am a thousand winds that blow”, the wind gusted all around us. At the part where I read “I am the gentle Autumn's rain”, the rain blew in sideways, sprinkling us all. Now, I don’t believe in coincidences. I knew Dad was making his presence known there. I barely got through the poem with my shaky, crying voice but I did it. It was beautiful and I knew Dad would have appreciated it.
The Rabbi said his final prayer and the flag was taken off of Dad’s casket. The national guardsmen began to fold the flag with extreme precision. It was folded perfectly into a triangle and presented to my grandparents. There wasn’t a dry eye while this was happening. They saluted my grandparents and the service was over. We all got a little bit of soil from Israel to sprinkle on Dad’s casket. I kissed my hand, touched the casket, said in my head “Dad, I love you, rest in peace!” and walked away. It was time to go and I didn’t look back. Dad was at his new home and I knew he’d be eternally comfortable there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)