Disappointment

I have debated about writing an entry on this subject but wasn't sure if it was one I wanted to post or not. It doesn't entirely revolve around my father and while it is based on what happened to him, I just wasn't sure if it was a topic I'd include here. Writing has helped me through this grieving process. If I can let go of some things I've been feeling by writing about it, well, I may as well do it.

When a loved one passes away, most people smother you with their love, support and prayers. My family and I joked about the three token sympathy phrases we heard: "I'm so sorry for your loss", "My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time" and "If there is anything I can do, please don't hesitate to ask." They are the cliche death phrases that people tell you when they have no idea what else to say. And really - what else is there to say? So, I acknowledge and appreciate their gesture of support. While some people rush to be by your side, others totally retreat away from you and act like nothing ever happened. It is those people that this entry is about.

People go on with their lives. I understand that. While they may think of those grieving from time to time, they aren't living with the pain, grief and disbelief that is left after losing a loved one. The truth of the matter is that until you are in the situation you really do not know what it feels like. That being said, I don't know what it's like to lose a sibling like my good friend Jackie did, but I know what her pain from grief and loss feels like. I don't know what it feels like to lose a child, but I can relate to Chris and Lani with the grief and loss they feel. I think until you are touched by a loss so close, you just don't understand. Losing a parent is something that almost all of us will go through in our lifetime. I went through it earlier than most should, but I know that one day everyone will understand, unfortunately.

Over the past few years, a few of my very good friends lost their fathers. It wasn't until I lost my own father that I realized I wasn't a support for them during that time. I felt so terrible about it. My good friend Mary told me not to worry when I communicated this to her about when she lost her father. She told me that she had the same feelings and realizations when her Dad died about other friends of hers who lost their fathers. She said those same words to me "Until you go through it, you just don't know".

I've been told that I am a highly emotional and sensitive person. I don't disagree. I hold onto emotions and feel them deeply. Sometimes I let them get the best of me. I have trouble letting go of negative feelings and it is something I'm working on. Currently, I'm struggling the most with letting go of disappointment I feel towards a few people in my life that haven't been there for me. Its baffles me how some have just not acknowledged the fact that I just went through what I'd consider to be one of the worst experiences of my life. I have spoken to others who have suffered losses and unfortunately, this rings true across the board. Everyone makes the same claims. I've read it in books many times. Just the other night, I came across this passage in this book I'm reading about grief. (pardon my quoting, I'm a bit rusty on the rules of citing sources! :)

"You may have better insight into some of your relationships at this time - who can best provide an ear to listen to you, and who can best motivate you to get things done. You may also re-prioritize many of your relationships because of what you experience in grief, and how you experience it. Many of the people that I have worked with have changed the company they keep as a result of going through the grief process. Similarly, you may find that some of your closest friends are no longer very close to you, or are not very understanding of what you are going through. You may also find that people you had thought of as casual acquaintances are now much closer friends. On the other hand, close friends and relatives may come forward with unwavering support and show you just why you love them."

I read that and thought, YES! All of the above applies! I have family members and friends who I have grown even closer with and who have been an absolutely amazing support. I have people who I didn't consider to be great friends with surprise me and be incredibly supportive. It is all of their positivity and support that I should be focusing on - a lot of times of I do.

When I vent to Jimmy about it he is incredibly understanding and helpful. It doesn't take away the hurt I feel though. In talking with a few people, I've explored a few possibilities. "Maybe they don't deal well with death" is one that a lot of people say. Well, I'll tell ya what! This one gets my blood going. If that isn't the worst excuse, then I don't know what is. Who does deal well with death? The only people I can think of are those in the funeral business.

Another popular one: "Maybe they don't know what to say or are afraid to say the wrong thing?" To that I say - I'd rather have you say the wrong thing to me than not say anything at all. Oh, but wait? You are uncomfortable with death? Well, guess what? SO AM I! The difference is that I have absolutely no choice but to deal with it.

I also wonder if people look at me and think "She's laughing, smiling, joking around...she seems like herself so I guess she is ok" or "She didn't have a good relationship with her father anyway, I'm sure this isn't too hard for her to deal with". The reality is yeah, I am ok. Yeah, I am still Jennie. The difference is that there is a lot more going on in my head right now. This experience has made me think differently about everything. It has made me ponder about purpose, life, death, friendships, what I want for myself out of life......its all heavy shit, that's for sure. Its constantly brewing and swirling through my brain so while I seem like me, I'm really not. It is this new me. It is a transitional me who wants good things and wants to feel good. In my head, I feel like all of my life boxes are unpacked for me to examine closely. I'm sorting through, processing them and figuring out what I want to toss and what I want to keep. Phish sings the line "So toss away stuff you don't need in the end, But keep what's important and know who's your friend" in their song titled Theme from the Bottom. I can't help but to feel a connection to those lyrics since that is exactly what I'm doing right now.

That all doesn't mean I'm throwing some friends and family away though. I think of a saying that Rebecca, my spiritual adviser, once told me. "People come into our life for a lifetime, a reason or a season. As we continue through life's up and downs, we will learn who we can count on. Just because someone you consider to be close with isn't really there for you when the going gets tough doesn't mean they don't add value to friendship in other ways." I know she is right and I try to keep her voice of positivity with me often.

Ultimately, I know this is all normal. I know I should focus on those that are there for me right now versus those who aren't. I know it is not just me who has felt this way. I know there are others who can relate. I also know that I will get through this. I'll get the life boxes in my head organized and cleaned up. As I wrap up this entry, I can hear Dad saying, "Jen, this too shall pass."

Book Quote from:
Grieving Mindfully by Sameet M. Kumar, Ph.D. Page 63